On Giving Advice

On a recent car ride to school, as I doled out what I thought were helpful tips for my 10-year-old son, he responded characteristically with a groan. 

I felt the need to defend myself.  “I’m not judging you. I may advise you, but I don’t judge you.” 

He immediately shot back, “They’re the same thing.”  Curious, I asked him to explain.

“Advising is 65% judging,” he calculated somehow.  “Because if you’re telling me what I can do better, then you’re saying that what I’m already doing is wrong.” 

He wasn’t wrong. I wasn’t just advising, I was trying to convince him that my way was better, without trying to understand his way first.  My intention was to offer him an idea that would bring him joy and success.  But what he perceived was high and mighty judgment.

This mismatch between intention and perception occurs all the time when managers and peers advise their reports and colleagues with the intention of helping out, but without first understanding enough context to ensure buy-in.  And so advisees perceive this advice as an expression of mistrust or judgment (leading to self-criticism and disempowerment) without realizing that their peers are acting with good intentions but incomplete information.  

When we think of influence as convincing we’re bound to trigger conflict, regardless of our intentions.  But if we reframe it as an effort to build mutual understanding we may not see immediate results, but we will plant seeds of change.

Influence is 5% pushing our own way, and 95% understanding theirs.