Finding the Win-Win
The majority of my coaching sessions are centered around conflict. Conflict is inevitable - maybe even essential - in the workplace. If we’re truly looking to push boundaries and innovate, we are bound to find issues or situations in which we think and act differently from our colleagues, managers and reports. But our experience of conflict varies.
Sometimes we avoid confrontation completely, and so we steer clear of saying or doing anything that might escalate into conflict. This is great to preserve relationships, but comes at the cost of our own needs being met.
Sometimes we engage full-force in conflict with passion, and are committed to doing whatever it takes to ensure a win. But this passion often morphs into uncontrollable frustration or anger that can lead to a breakdown in trust and connection, producing short-term wins but with long-term consequences.
Ultimately, neither of these approaches - passive or aggressive - gets us what we truly want without a high cost. Both ways cause stress.
The middle ground between these two is an assertive approach. When we approach conflict assertively, we ask clearly for what we want, but still hold space and compassion for the other point of view. Our goal is not just to win, but to increase mutual understanding and trust.
Addressing conflict assertively requires four steps:
Acknowledge and process your own strong emotions first so that you can be in control and act with intention.
Dig deep to identify your unmet need that triggered the conflict - just because the big emotions have passed, it doesn’t mean the issue is resolved.
Find a way to truly understand the other perspective even if you don’t agree with it, noticing any judgment that’s getting in the way.
Ask clearly for what you want, while still hearing out and validating the other side.
Though each step takes effort, the trust built through the process is multiplicative. By holding space for both sides of the conflict, we often discover that they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
There’s always a win-win - we just have to look for it.
